Circle of Friends

The more people I meet, the more I've come to love my cat.

I am not a "people" person, I'm a "person" person. I wish I was one of those people who see the good in all, love everyone openly, give of myself freely and frogive everything easily - but I am not. 2010 will be the year try, in ernest, to become that person.

I'm making strides to reach out to and grow closer with those who share my values, respect my beliefs and value my opinions. Consequently, my patience and tolerance of people who opose my values and beliefs are getting thinner, and my once vast circle of friends is getting smaller.

Ironically, the smaller the circle becomes, the more full of life and love it gets. The more people leave, the more I can focus on the person that stays behind. The emptier the circle gets, the more room I have to learn, grow and develop myself into the person I want to be. In matters of friendship it seems, less is definately more.

Musings of a slacker mom!

“Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults.” -Peter De Vries, Tunnel of Love, 19541.

1.Neither one of my children understand the concept of "being seen and not heard". In fact, you often HEAR Andraya long before you see her! She laughs the loudest, cries the hardest and loves the deepest. She is who she is, and NOTHING I could have done different in the way that I parented her could change her innate behavioural traits. Please don't judge my parenting until you have walked 5 years in my shoes!! I have to accept that she is hyper the same way that I accept that she has blue eyes and doesn't like bananas. Don't give me advice, and don't tell me "if that was MY kid...". I took the advice, it didn't work and you know what...she's NOT your kid - but if she was she would be the exact same way she is being MY kid.

1.a. If you feel YOU could do a better job - step up to the plate and give it a whirl for a week.

2. I don't like the mountains of toys my kids receive for their birthdays and christmas. I want them to feel priviledged, not ENTITLED to receive presents. I don't want them to be slaves to the consumer driven society we unfortunately live in. Truth be told, most "toys" have a lifespan of 4 weeks before they are ignored completely, four weeks after that I donate them to Value Village. I wish people would buy my kids "experiences" instead of materials. An afternoon at the children's museum, or a home made music cd of songs she's never heard will do so much more than another barbie doll! I don't think this makes me "unfair" or "mean" or "ungrateful". I think leading them to beleive that happiness can be "bought" is more detrimental than denying them a piece of plastic!!

2.a. The doll house I bought her for christmas is in the closet, case in point!

3. Tantrums do NOT end when kids turn 3. When one of my kids throw a tantrum at the mall - I wish people would not make things worse by staring at me with contempt (there's that judgement again), or by cooing at my misbehaving child! Looking at ME to stop the tantrum while giving her the attention she is throwiing the tantrum for is counterproductive. Not to mention the fact that if you expect a 2 year old to listen to reason than YOU are the one with the problem...not her! And by the way - walking away from a screaming toddler is NOT bad parenting it's what works!!

3.a. To the woman @ Whiteoaks and anyone like her - If anyone ever touches my child mid tantrum ever again I will break their arm. I'm serious!

4. I didn't have cable for many years. I don't feel my kids were deprived. But now that I do, I often sit them in front of the t.v. so I can make dinner, or check my email, or use the bathroom. I don't feel I am causing them any developmental delay, and I don't feel guilty for using the t.v. as a babysitter because no one is banging down my door to take the place of the t.v. while I get things done.

4.a. There are shows I don't let her watch - so please respect that and don't let them watch them when I'm not around, and there are shows that I let them watch that you find inappropriate - it doesn't make me less concerned about my child's upbringing.

5. I don't eat meat. My kids don't eat meat. They are not malnurished, they are not deprived. They are thin due to genetics, NOT my vegetarian lifestyle so please don't "pitty" them - vegetables are good for you and I NEVER have to bribe them to eat them.

5.a. Vegetarianism is a choice I will not force upon my children. They are free to eat what they want in the company of others, you don't have to "hide" the fact that you gave them chicken fingers...it's O.K.

6. Speaking of food; I am not a short order cook. If my kids don't eat what I've made for dinner, then they don't eat at all - even if it means going to bed with no supper. This is not child abuse it's a lesson learned. There are MANY children in the world who do not have the luxury of deciding "I don't like lasagna TODAY", and I want my kids to know that wasting food is NOT acceptable!

6.a. If Andraya doesn't eat her lunch at school - she eats it for supper. Wasting food while some people die of starvation is unnacceptable, and though poverty is an abstract idea to her she will one day understand my motivation.

7. I signed away my "right to party" on May 11th 2003, and they renewed my contract on September 1 2007. I'm not "dull", or "boring" and I'm not just making up excuses. Nights of drinking result in days of "cranky tired mommy". Not fair to the kids, and VERY hard on me and simply not worth it! I don't want my kids to have ANY memories of their mom being hung over on the couch...period!7.a. I don't go out on weekdays because I work early - and I haven't had a "NAP" when I needed one in well over 5 years! That doesn't make me weak - it makes me a full time parent.

8. Speaking of nights out, contrary to popular beleif babysitters do not grow on trees! It's not easy - in fact it's almost damn near IMPOSSIBLE to find one. Don't tell me to "just get a babysitter". Don't you think I thought of that??????? If it was easy, don't you think I'd have one?! Fantastic that YOU always had your parents, or a teenage neighbour or cousin or an aunt or whatever the case may be, not everyone is so lucky and I refuse to leave my kids with someone I don't know. Period. I also will not sacrifice our night time routine so I can have a few beers...i will pay for it dearly the next day, and the kids NEED a routine!!!

8.a. Oh and another thing - babysitters cost MONEY!!!

9. I have chosen my kids over my career. I have no regrets. I don't lack ambition or drive and yes I would LOVE to make more money but NOT at the expense of my kids! My husband and I make HUGE sacrifices so that our children are raised by their parents and not by a babysitter. It's REALLY shitty sometimes, and it takes a huge toll on my professional self esteem and my social life but I feel strongly that my kids will be better off and that makes it all worth it!

9.a. Also...it's not rocket science - making more money but paying more in daycare makes no sense. It's not a financial gain - it's breaking even!

10. I am NOT perfect! I swear in front of my kids ( I'm working on this...sigh). I lose my temper, and sometimes I yell at them. I often cry in front of them and Chris and I don't always take care to "not argue in front of the kids". I've fallen asleep on the couch while home alone with them. I've given them macaroni for supper three nights in a row because I was too tired to make dinner and sometimes I know they need a bath but I don't want another power struggle to get them into the tub so I send them to bed with dried jam in their hair. I let Andraya learn the words to "my humps" even though it wasn't appropriate - it was a catchy tune. She loves Hannah Montana - and until Miley get's pregnant or is caught drinking with no panties on in her limo...I won't stop her from listening to her. My house is messy mroe often than it is clean, I've lowered my standards - I had not choice!! If you don't like the fingerprints on my t.v. grab a cloth and wipe them! I'm pretty liberal but I'm sorry...BRATZ dolls are slutty! I'm not a prude for not allowing her to play with them and if you disagree with me then clearly you have not seen "Sleepover Chloe's" Lingerie!!! Sure it's a little hypocritical that I let her sing to "my humps" ...but like I said I'm not perfect! I love my kids - but sometimes I want nothing more than for them to leave me alone (I can't remember the last time I pooped without an audience!) I wouldn't trade them for the world but I sometimes I miss how simple and carefree life was before I had them. I'm NOT perfect...but I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have...it's all I can do.

10.a. It feels like nothing I've done in my life has been judged as harshly or scrutinized as thoroughly as parenting - and the worse part is that most of the judgements come from OTHER PARENTS! Why is it that when I had a child suddenly everyone knew so much more than I did???? There...that feels better :-)

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.-- Bruce Lansky

The anti Wedding Blog.

...that resulted in Chris and I eloping by a pond. :-)

It is (most) every girls dream to one day put on a white gown, pull down her veil and walk down the isle towards happily ever after. I say most because if ever I had such a dream, I certainly don’t remember it. The idea that a wedding is the ultimate representation of true love is obviously a case of facts being lost in translation; nothing could be further from the truth. Not that the present day wedding ceremony is an ideal medium for amorous expression – unless of course you express your love with dollar signs instead of hearts. That being said, I firmly believe that the bride and groom have become mere decorations at the festivities. Family pressure, Social Status and Cultural expectations are the real driving force behind most Weddings. Inching closer to my own “wedding day and lacking the childhood dream to guide me, I find myself asking the question…what IS a Wedding?

Wedding – from the Anglo Saxon word “wed”, a word used to describe the state of two families securing their ties to one another through their children. The children, at times mere months old, were could obviously not marry until much later, thus they were “wed” until they came of age at which point they sealed the deal with a “wedding”. Hmmm…that does NOT sound romantic at all, labeling it however did not make it a new idea. In fact the union of man and woman for the benefit of others goes back to the when nomadic man realized that uniting tribes was more conducive to survival than fighting tribes. What better way than joining a man and a woman from each tribe to create common heirs who would then benefit from shared resources. Throughout history weddings have been nothing more than business or political arrangements. Women of course, were the tools of the trade. The “goods” if you will to be bartered and exchanged for money, land, power etc. The goal was not to marry for love, but rather for profit. Women born and bread to one day marry. They were traded, sold and bought like cattle at an auction . The Victorian Age romanticized the exchange by calling it a “dowry”, I suppose it sounded better than calling it “bride sale”. That dream is looking more and more like a nightmare!

The present meaning of Wedding is ironically still a word to describe the uniting of a man and woman for the benefit of someone else. These days however, the big beneficiary for this union is the billion dollar wedding industry. Who ever said that you can’t put a price on love, clearly never planned a wedding! The price of an average wedding in 2007 was $25,000.00, that is more than some Canadians make in a year! It is expected that the happy (soon to be broke) couple spend $100 – $150 dollars per guest, usually 100 -300 of their “close” friends and family. There seems to be a mindset that the more extravagant the wedding, the more “perfect” the day the more perfect the marriage. That’s a lot of pressure to put on this one day – and a lot of profit for the industry that endorses this belief. I think what most people fail to remember is that the leading cause of marital breakdown is $money. How anyone can justify that a $25,000.00 dollar debt is a good way to start a marriage is completely beyond my realm of understanding! Personally, I can think of 101 wiser ways to spend $25,000.00 – not the least of which is getting ourselves OUT of debt!

What drives some couples is not necessarily the desire to express their love for one another in front of aunt betty, that guy dad used to work for, and mom’s third cousin twice removed and her second husband. Well, they might – but I highly doubt it. More often than not, it is pressure and expectations from family, friends, religion etc. Being Portuguese, I am keenly aware that when people think of our weddings it’s not ‘Love” that comes to mind, rather it’s the 6 course meal, the open bar and the exorbitant seafood buffet at midnight. Contrary to popular belief, weddings are not planned for the bride and groom. Weddings are an expose for their families. They are an effective means of showcasing or enhancing their status. They are a medium for catching up with extended family you don’t often see – or know. Most however, weddings - especially big weddings - come about as a result of obligation, tradition and family politics. It’s not about who you want to invite, it’s about who will be offended if they are not invited. It’s not about what your family can do for your wedding, but rather what your wedding can do for your family. Hmmm…sounds familiar, and it seems some things never change. Between you and me…there are only a handful of people I would want to feed and entertain for $150. Coincidently, those are the very people who would not want me to do so.

It wasn’t always like this. There was a time in our history where weddings did stand for love, unity and the eternal partnership of two souls. Void of rings, receptions and honeymoons people got married because they loved each other. They wed for their own benefit, which more often than not had less to do with monetary values and more to do with family values. Unfortunately, this appears to have only taken place during the darker periods of our civilization. Slaves, having no access to the conventional “wedding” engaged in a ceremony they called “Broom Jumping”. The bride and the groom would each lay a broom at their feet. They would join hands and together jump over the brooms. Voila…they’re married! During the U.S recession in the late 1940’s getting married was as simple as going down to the city hall and signing some papers. They had nothing, they needed nothing and as the Beetles wisely dictate, “all you need is love”. I read somewhere once that “brides put so much emphasis on their weddings because they expect the marriage itself to be a let down.” I wish I could remember who wrote it, I think they are on to something. Historically anyway how much emphasis we place on our weddings mirrors how successful we are at maintaining our marriages. Weddings these days sure have that high sheen and gloss of “happily ever after” - but for $25,000.00 there damn well better be gloss!!! Interestingly enough, as wedding budgets rise…so does the divorce rate. Maybe it’s a coincidence…maybe not so just to be on the safe side I think we’ll just jump over a broom.

...just don't have it in me

There are people who think I'm pretentious. I think this may be partly my own doing, given my complete innability at best, and reluctance at worst to just keep my mouth shut.

I just don't have it in me to keep friends under false pretenses - and it baffles me why anyone would even waste their time on that! Why should I not speak my mind, or disagree with an idea simply to maintain habitual, and most likely outdated status quo? Why is it ok for people to make completely asenine remarks but NOT ok for me to call them on it?!

The way that I look at is this the minute you give an opinion, someone somewhere will disagree and if you're going to argue your point you better make damn sure you know what you're talking about.

...and that goes for ME too.

Rantings of a NON Supermom (oldie)

If you ask me, the best line of defense against teenage pregnancies and birth control advocacy is to have girls spend an entire day with a "my kids are better than your kids, cuz I'm in the P.T.A, and only serve healthy snacks, in my van as I drive into the city from my cookie cutter home in the burbs" mother.

There is no better deterrent than to experience the wrath of the "SUPERMOM". Why does everything have to be a competition?????

"My house is bigger than your house."
"My car is nicer than your car"
"My kids get better grades than your kids."
"French Immersion is "not good enough" for my kids."
" GASP...you let them eat TIM BITS!!!!"
" OH MY GOD...YOU LET HER RESOLVE HER OWN BULLYING ISSUES??!!!"
"EWWWW...you use store brand diapers??? It's Pampers or nothing for my little Timmy"

GIVE ME A FU$%&* BREAK!!!!

The day I gave birth, something happened that damn nearly eclipsed the act of becoming a mother...suddenly I was an IDIOT and every other mother in the world (and even some people who don't even HAVE kids) knew more about raising kids than I did, and felt at liberty to express this sentiment!

I had mostly succeeded in staying out of the "mother race" everyone around me seemed compelled to run as they strived to be supermom extraordinaire by producing the bestest, smartest, prettiest, kid in their "clique" until Andraya started school. Then suddenly my slacker mom ways were defiantly met with the accusing eyes and pointing fingers of - DUN DUN DUN...the stay at home P.T.A. mom!

As if my slacker (aka I'm too tired to make cookies from scratch tonight, let's Pillsbury it up instead) ways weren't bad enough, I decided to put my daughter in French Immersion! Suddenly I was ousted from the slacker group too because I was now, pretentious!!! I didn't fit in with the supermoms, and I was little too ambitious for the slacker moms!!!! I am like a lone wolf surrounded by two packs of hyenas!!!

I further aggravated the problem by having Andraya join Sparks under the illusion that "everyone would share and be a friend". Unfortunately, even as the girls said their pledges a clear line was drawn among the parent folks. There was THEM, the "I've been in guides since I was four and now my little girl is in guides and I'm a leader in another troupe"moms, and there was US, the "I'm just here because my daughter thinks it's fun, but if she doesn't we'll do something else" moms."

I joined two "exclusive" mom clubs - London Mom's and Wondermums thinking I might find a kindred spirit (maybe I'd luck out and find two) and instead I ended up feeling like I was back in highschool - only this time we weren't competing for who could tease their bangs the highest we were competing for who loved their kids more!!!

To quote that loud Susan lady who used to do the infomercials...

STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!

Raise your kids, do your thing and don't worry about MY KIDS, or MY THING cuz frankly...I have not lost a single night of sleep wondering why you're kids are not in french immersion with mine. I don't care...I'm a slacker mom...I have other shit on my mind than making sure my kids can one up yours....and to be perfectly honest, when my children get older I will aim to fill my life with as many "non mom" things as possible so that my self worth, and my social development will not rest on their little shoulders. It's too much preassure for a kid to always feel like he as to be good so mommy looks good in front of her "friends".

And for the record...French Immersion french is better in my book than no french at all, and oh yea...yes I'm "JUST" a restaurant manager, and that probably isn't making the most of my college education but do go on about how your university degree has helped launch your successful Mary Kay Cosmetics career so that I won't feel like your snub is NOT justified.

Merci de l'écoute !

Mommy V.S. Mara

I am standing at the bottom of the ladder again. The hand of Corporate Hierarchy is extended in offering. "Climb on up MARA , the view is great from up here!!"I have one foot on the step and the skill to keep on climbing, but one foot is planted firmly on the ground. I look up and consider my options, and then I hear: "Where are you going MOMMY ??"

I look down and see my children...the youngest holding on steadfast to my leg. I glance up at a ladder I worked my ass off to get on to, and take stock of exactly how many steps I have left to reach the top. I take my foot off the step and kneel down.

I look into their eyes and feel their childhood slip away, even as I sit here pondering my next move. This precious time so limited that I barely have time to register how quickly it's flying by. I grab each of their hands in mine and stand. The three of us look up. "Are you going up there now MOMMY. There is a moment of hesitation before I answer the only way my heart will allow, "No honey, Mommy is gonna stay down here a little while longer."

There is no easy solution to the family v.s. career debate. There is no way to rationalize without bias, and no answer without sacrifice. Time IS money, but money can't buy time. So I wait.

It looks like Mara will have to wait, Mommy is a little busy right now.

At the bottom looking down...

There is nothing harder than subjecting myself to the flawed direction of individuals I perceive to be less knowledgeable than myself. I don't doubt their good will, and it's not actually a matter of inferior intellect, but rather the inability to utilize intellect for rational and intelligent thought.
I listen bemused to the words that come out of their mouths, and I'm in constant awe of the rationale they provide for their actions. I think about these interactions long after the exchange and often take steps to underhandedly, and diplomatically steer the situation down a much more (ahem) appropriate path. This is a tiring process, and often thankless because I'm acting on behalf of a position I don't "officially" hold.

That being said, it benefits my family that I have opted to take a back seat in the corporate rat race, but I struggle with the back seat -it's much harder to drive from back here ;-)

Some "food" for thought...

Being a Vegetarian sometimes feels like I'm standing on the corner of Wellington and Commissioners with the Pro Life people wearing a T-Shirt that says "Morgentaler is my Hero!".
The minute I say "I'm a vegetarian" noses scrunch up and the I'm bombarded with a passionate..."WHY???". I sometimes wish I could give a medical, or religious reason just so people wouldn't give me a hard time about it because apparently moral or ethical reasons are simply not a justifiable reason to not eat meat. Then I think, wait a minute...if ethics is NOT a socially acceptable consideration for making life choices then what the hell is????

People go on these misguided rants about why it's not healthy, and not normal to obstain from meat in an effort to convince me that I'm wrong. I'm not sure why they are so concerned with what I choose to digest but...whatever. My personal "BEEF" is with people who offer up snide remarks about the fact that I work for a company that serves meat. I wonder, do they ever say the same thing meat eating veterinarians or Humane Society employees?

Hmmm?

Friends for a reason, a season ... a ?

I wonder why they want to be my friend?

They judge me not on my character, but on my profession and openly insult those in my field. They wonder aloud why I'm not doing something else..."but you're smart" they say as though anyone in this industry must be completely void of intelligence. They tell stories of "friends...of a friend" who worked full time, while attenting school full time and parenting full time. They sympathetically tell me that sacrifices must be made - the kids will have to come second for a while but it will be worth it in the end...as if putting kids first were a "choice" !!

I am clearly viewd as inferior by those who measure their worth by their position in a tax bracket, and compare it to mine. Yet - they want to be my friend. I often stare at them and wonder...why they want to be my friend.?? Most importantly why do I agree with it?