The anti Wedding Blog.

...that resulted in Chris and I eloping by a pond. :-)

It is (most) every girls dream to one day put on a white gown, pull down her veil and walk down the isle towards happily ever after. I say most because if ever I had such a dream, I certainly don’t remember it. The idea that a wedding is the ultimate representation of true love is obviously a case of facts being lost in translation; nothing could be further from the truth. Not that the present day wedding ceremony is an ideal medium for amorous expression – unless of course you express your love with dollar signs instead of hearts. That being said, I firmly believe that the bride and groom have become mere decorations at the festivities. Family pressure, Social Status and Cultural expectations are the real driving force behind most Weddings. Inching closer to my own “wedding day and lacking the childhood dream to guide me, I find myself asking the question…what IS a Wedding?

Wedding – from the Anglo Saxon word “wed”, a word used to describe the state of two families securing their ties to one another through their children. The children, at times mere months old, were could obviously not marry until much later, thus they were “wed” until they came of age at which point they sealed the deal with a “wedding”. Hmmm…that does NOT sound romantic at all, labeling it however did not make it a new idea. In fact the union of man and woman for the benefit of others goes back to the when nomadic man realized that uniting tribes was more conducive to survival than fighting tribes. What better way than joining a man and a woman from each tribe to create common heirs who would then benefit from shared resources. Throughout history weddings have been nothing more than business or political arrangements. Women of course, were the tools of the trade. The “goods” if you will to be bartered and exchanged for money, land, power etc. The goal was not to marry for love, but rather for profit. Women born and bread to one day marry. They were traded, sold and bought like cattle at an auction . The Victorian Age romanticized the exchange by calling it a “dowry”, I suppose it sounded better than calling it “bride sale”. That dream is looking more and more like a nightmare!

The present meaning of Wedding is ironically still a word to describe the uniting of a man and woman for the benefit of someone else. These days however, the big beneficiary for this union is the billion dollar wedding industry. Who ever said that you can’t put a price on love, clearly never planned a wedding! The price of an average wedding in 2007 was $25,000.00, that is more than some Canadians make in a year! It is expected that the happy (soon to be broke) couple spend $100 – $150 dollars per guest, usually 100 -300 of their “close” friends and family. There seems to be a mindset that the more extravagant the wedding, the more “perfect” the day the more perfect the marriage. That’s a lot of pressure to put on this one day – and a lot of profit for the industry that endorses this belief. I think what most people fail to remember is that the leading cause of marital breakdown is $money. How anyone can justify that a $25,000.00 dollar debt is a good way to start a marriage is completely beyond my realm of understanding! Personally, I can think of 101 wiser ways to spend $25,000.00 – not the least of which is getting ourselves OUT of debt!

What drives some couples is not necessarily the desire to express their love for one another in front of aunt betty, that guy dad used to work for, and mom’s third cousin twice removed and her second husband. Well, they might – but I highly doubt it. More often than not, it is pressure and expectations from family, friends, religion etc. Being Portuguese, I am keenly aware that when people think of our weddings it’s not ‘Love” that comes to mind, rather it’s the 6 course meal, the open bar and the exorbitant seafood buffet at midnight. Contrary to popular belief, weddings are not planned for the bride and groom. Weddings are an expose for their families. They are an effective means of showcasing or enhancing their status. They are a medium for catching up with extended family you don’t often see – or know. Most however, weddings - especially big weddings - come about as a result of obligation, tradition and family politics. It’s not about who you want to invite, it’s about who will be offended if they are not invited. It’s not about what your family can do for your wedding, but rather what your wedding can do for your family. Hmmm…sounds familiar, and it seems some things never change. Between you and me…there are only a handful of people I would want to feed and entertain for $150. Coincidently, those are the very people who would not want me to do so.

It wasn’t always like this. There was a time in our history where weddings did stand for love, unity and the eternal partnership of two souls. Void of rings, receptions and honeymoons people got married because they loved each other. They wed for their own benefit, which more often than not had less to do with monetary values and more to do with family values. Unfortunately, this appears to have only taken place during the darker periods of our civilization. Slaves, having no access to the conventional “wedding” engaged in a ceremony they called “Broom Jumping”. The bride and the groom would each lay a broom at their feet. They would join hands and together jump over the brooms. Voila…they’re married! During the U.S recession in the late 1940’s getting married was as simple as going down to the city hall and signing some papers. They had nothing, they needed nothing and as the Beetles wisely dictate, “all you need is love”. I read somewhere once that “brides put so much emphasis on their weddings because they expect the marriage itself to be a let down.” I wish I could remember who wrote it, I think they are on to something. Historically anyway how much emphasis we place on our weddings mirrors how successful we are at maintaining our marriages. Weddings these days sure have that high sheen and gloss of “happily ever after” - but for $25,000.00 there damn well better be gloss!!! Interestingly enough, as wedding budgets rise…so does the divorce rate. Maybe it’s a coincidence…maybe not so just to be on the safe side I think we’ll just jump over a broom.